Asking Eric: My DNA family test results showed my brother’s secret child, now what?

Dear Eric: Many decades ago, my brother and his girlfriend had a baby. They split soon after the child's birth and had no contact afterward. He asked me not to say anything about it to anyone, and to this day I have not. I'm the only person in my family to have had DNA testing, and an "immediate family" connection appeared: my brother's child, now a successful adult living about an hour from him.

I have not reached out to contact this person, and they have not contacted me. But I am consumed with a desire to say something privately to my brother, even if it's just, "After my DNA testing I was connected with someone from your past, would you like to know more?"

It troubles me that I might go to my grave with this information about my children's cousin-they-never-had and it sometimes keeps me up at night. Should I just keep my mouth shut for my remaining years, hoping my children don't do their own DNA testing after I'm gone with no way to learn who this relative is?

– Secret Aunt

Dear Aunt: Put down the cotton swab and step away from the DNA testing site. This situation has all the trappings of a juicy beach read, but as any juicy beach reader knows, things get messy before they get resolved. You don't need to be the mess-maker.

You don't have much more information than your brother has – he's aware he has a child somewhere and he made the choice to cut off contact from the child's mother. He also has access to DNA testing sites, if he wants. If the child had reached out to you, that would be a different story. But, at present, the parties involved are fine with the status quo.

As to your children's questions, should they discover a relative through DNA testing, they may reach out on their own. If their cousin responds, he can fill in the gaps in the story just as well as you can, with the added perspective of what it was like for him to grow up a secret.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com .