Culture Convo: Above the (Bar) Law
Am I in a fever dream, or is this just how we operate in public now?
Youâ€TMve asked yourself this as many times as I have. People have become unhinged â€" they have, not the people reading this or the dude writing it.
Iâ€TMm talking about some other, vague Stephen King-esque entity that only exists in the form of strangers in line, or the dead-eyed, disenfranchised expression of a barista.
They are not us. We are kind and polite. We are not like them. They are rude and loud.
But together, we make a society. One that seems to be quickly collapsing if you judge a society by how it orders a drink, a meal, or a service in public.
Thereâ€TMs a lot of debate about whatâ€TMs changed for us since the pandemic. Letâ€TMs be fair â€" not all the dominoes have fallen yet since 2020, in a culture-shifting pandemic that many argue weâ€TMre still in the midst of.
But hereâ€TMs where I think we can all agree. Our expectations are too high, and the people behind the counter are just as fed up with our shit â€" sorry, their shit â€" as we are with each other.
So itâ€TMs time I introduce you to bar law. Iâ€TMve based my code of conduct on how to act in a bar because thatâ€TMs where I cut my teeth, but this can be applied pretty much anywhere in Detroit, the suburbs, the world â€" you name it.
It is my humble hope that bar law may be what we need to keep our society stitched together by the few frayed fibers weâ€TMve got left.
Know what you want before they need to know. Thereâ€TMs nothing cute about struggling to navigate a menu in front of someone trying to serve you. Get your order right before you waste anyoneâ€TMs time. And if you need help or have questions, thatâ€TMs OK! Especially at a place thatâ€TMs more cocktail â€" or wine-forward and fancy â€" those places should have trained staff thatâ€TMs knowledgeable and game to walk you through the menu (fancy places that make you feel bad for asking questions are the worst). Asking for a recommendation at a beer and shot bar? Not so much.
Tipping is mandatory. There are a lot of low-hanging jokes about how you have to tip for everything these days. And Iâ€TMve felt frustrated, too. If I ainâ€TMt sitting, why am I tipping? I get it â€" but hereâ€TMs the larger problem. A lot of you donâ€TMt tip at all. Itâ€TMs left for the rest of the world to pick up the tab, and you piss everyone off along the way. Itâ€TMs 20% minimum. Do the math. And if youâ€TMre arguing with me in your head while reading this, become a person who hasnâ€TMt built their identity around explaining why they donâ€TMt tip. No one is charmed.
If you donâ€TMt go out a lot, lower your expectations. Itâ€TMs that one night of the month you can get away and actually enjoy the world as adults. You want it to be perfect. As it turns out, thatâ€TMs harder and harder to achieve, as service industry workers are asked to do more and receive less for it. That doesnâ€TMt mean people arenâ€TMt trying to give the best service they can. It just means that, overall, things are lesser to some degree. This might be your night out, but for the folks behind the bar, itâ€TMs another night of the week. A true professional behind the bar will bring their A game for you, as long as you bring your patience and understanding that it simply ainâ€TMt like it was before in ways you can measure and ways you canâ€TMt. Adjust accordingly.
And for my most existential point of the column … remember that the best night of your life is someoneâ€TMs worst. Read the room. Donâ€TMt make it worse. Leave it better than you found it. Take your glasses back to the damn bar. Buy a drink for someone who needs it. Relax. Enjoy the world weâ€TMre in today for what it is. Donâ€TMt expect service from the world we knew before. Itâ€TMs harder than ever before for everyone.
As Iâ€TMm writing this, Iâ€TMm currently getting served a draft beer by a bartender who looks like they wanna be anywhere else in the world than serving me a frosty Miller Lite.
Thatâ€TMs fair. Iâ€TMll tip. Iâ€TMll be kind.
After all, Iâ€TMve got no clue what jerk mightâ€TMve come in here before me. All I know is that weâ€TMre in this together, so letâ€TMs have a drink and letâ€TMs take care of each other. Cheers!
Best Local Bar Laws
I asked the bartenders at some of my favorite spots around the city for their idea of bar law.
Tia Fletcher, Bumboâ€TMs in Hamtramck "Donâ€TMt ask me about myself or my life after 1 a.m. No long-winded stories after 1:30 a.m."
Brad Edmundson, Bronx Bar in Detroit "This isnâ€TMt your buddyâ€TMs basement. Donâ€TMt move the furniture or put your drinks on the pool table. Coming in with a strange and rude sense of ownership is a big red flag. Itâ€TMs like theyâ€TMre announcing that theyâ€TMre a problem before they order a drink."
Bridget Volpe, MotorCity Wine in Detroit "Donâ€TMt yell your order at me before I get to you. Donâ€TMt yell your order into my back. Iâ€TMll get to you when Iâ€TMm ready, and youâ€TMll know when Iâ€TMm ready."
Cindy Furkovich, Jumboâ€TMs in Detroit "Donâ€TMt be an asshole."
Ryan Patrick Hooper is the host of In the Groove on 101.9 WDET , Detroitâ€TMs NPR station (weekdays from noon to 3 p.m.).
