Guest column: Diplomacy is always the better choice than violence
I have been a foster parent for over 20 years, mostly teenagers. I have also welcomed into my home young people who were not in the system but were struggling. In the past five years, I fostered three Unaccompanied Refugee Minors from Afghanistan through a Catholic Charities program. The struggles that these young people faced would surprise many of us as we deal with everyday life in the comfort of our homes with food in the fridge.
One of the things I learned early on was that yelling was never effective, in fact it had the opposite effect, it escalated the situation. Once I yelled their response was one of defensive fight or flight, usually fight and words would be exchanged that I later regretted, especially as I think of the effect on already traumatized young people. But it is so very difficult sometimes to not react with anger and violent words. I had to train myself.
What we are seeing in the news in Gaza, Ukraine, and now Iran among other places in the world where violence is an everyday thing, escalates as each attack creates a counter attack. The leaders of these countries and organizations make these decisions from their secured offices while the people suffer in their unsecured homes. It's not about "taking sides," one person's terrorist is often the other's freedom fighter, instead it's about encouraging both sides to stop and turn to diplomacy. But instead that fight or flight defensive reaction kicks in and things get worse.
But this doesn't just happen overseas, we are seeing it happen in our own communities where violence replaces diplomacy and the situation escalates until someone gets hurt. The recent incident with the Auburn police are an example. Rather than de-escalating a difficult situation, the demands got loud, the defensive reaction kicked in, especially when the person had already experienced a great deal of trauma and/or had mental health issues. When words get loud it is hard to hear as the defensive fight or flight reaction kicks in which in turn heightens the anxiety and emotions. And someone gets hurt.
It's not easy to de-escalate, for some reason it does not come naturally to human beings, but it saves lives. All of us need training in de-escalation, even in our words with people who disagree with us politically - it's the only way to a kingdom of peace on earth.
The Rev. Dr. Barb E. Blom is minister for United Ministry of Aurora and founding director of the Interfaith Center for Action and Healing.
