Hurricane Milton, you cannot be serious right now

First of all, are you serious?

Are we to believe that just a sliver of an iota of a moment after Hurricane Helene unleashed the worst storm damage on Tampa Bay in more than a century, we are repeating this whole traumatic process ? Again? Before we have cleaned up from the last one?

How can it possibly be true that less than two weeks after Helene's record storm surge flooded thousands of homes, causing the people of this region to not only rip out their drywall and flooring but also cast most of their moldy, sodden belongings to the side of the road for FEMA representatives to pick up in a process that could take weeks, that a hurricane is blasting right at our trembling, traumatized coast?

And it's... it's going to land as... a possible Category 3? Or 4?

Did we forget to cancel some kind of recurring service, like a Sock of the Month Club? Or Adult Coloring Monthly? Or the Taco Bell Taco Lover's Pass? Does one of you have "hurricanes, big" set on auto-renew? Have you checked your account? Are there any suspicious charges? Do you know there are apps to help with this kind of subscription creep?

Is whatever higher power anyone chooses to believe in trying to tell us something? What did Florida do wrong, exactly? On second thought, please do not answer that.

? Really? We're going to get walloped by a ? Do you prefer a "Paradise Lost" joke or an "Office Space" joke? No wrong answers.

And wait, wait, wait. Will this really be only the third storm originating in the Gulf's Bay of Campeche to strike Florida since 1850? Did you all just Google "bay of campeche what is"? Did you all just Google "1850 events notable" and read about Henry Clay introducing the Compromise of 1850 to Congress? Did you then spiral into a thought exercise about how a centuries-old people-pleasing fetishism for presenting both sides, even when one side is empirically wrong based on all available evidence and moral certitude, has landed us here in a sea of disinformation, conspiratorial thinking and recurrent physical danger, facing down rapidly increasing natural disasters while Auntie Belinda goes HAM in the comments on Facebook and asks if it's possible to drop ice cubes into the eye of the hurricane to slow it down in the manner of silver screen hero Glen Powell in " Twisters "? No? No one else? Just me?

This is actually terrifying. I literally had a dream that Jim Cantore was broadcasting from my front lawn. I feel scared, depleted, upset and perpetually sick for the people who have just spent the past week tearing apart their already ruined houses. I'm crying all morning over what this will mean in the light of Thursday.

My household is decamping to a hotel to ride out the storm and try to hold onto power so we can work. It's stressful and inconvenient, and every choice seems like a bad choice. If you're struggling with what to do, just know that you are not alone, not by a mile.

But hear this: As evacuation orders roll in and the track firms up , please try your best to get somewhere safe. If officials tell you to evacuate, or even if you just have a gut feeling that you should, please find a way to leave. Tampa Bay lost more than a dozen lives in Helene , and that wasn't anywhere near a direct hit. The forecast for this is as bad as it gets for us, with experts predicting up to 12 feet of storm surge; remember, Helene brought five to eight feet. I can't stress enough how dangerous the storm surge is. Imagine a wall of water 12 feet high. Imagine being in your house while water pours in.

While Milton (incredibly unserious name, I can't get over it) could still wiggle and move and dart in a new direction, we can't assume that it will. There are shelters in each of our counties to use if you don't have other options. Being sweaty and annoyed and uncomfortable for a short time is better than drowning in your home.

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