Sleep divorces: why more Londoners are choosing separate bedrooms
"I sleep better when it's just me," admits Vannessa Viljoen, 23. "I need my own space to rejuvenate and not to be disturbed."
The writer and speaker rents a two-bedroom flat in Warlingham, south of Croydon, with her fiancé, musician Josiah, and 17-month-old daughter. "We should be in a three-bedroom and are looking to move in May." This is to accommodate the fact that Viljoen and her partner, who is due to have a hip replacement, need separate bedrooms.
"Genuinely we struggle to share a bed, and post-op we won't be able to share a bed. Those changes are necessary and quite desired.... If I'm asleep, he'd be doing work or gaming...We're both independent people and it didn't feel like we needed each other to sleep." The situation is serious enough that Viljoen will sometimes sleep on a mattress ahead of sharing a bed.
The couple are having what's commonly known as a 'sleep divorce'. "[Deciding] to sleep in separate beds or separate rooms may sound drastic, but, if bad sleep is at the root of most of your disputes, it could be the key to keeping you together," says Martin Seeley, sleep expert at MattressNextDay.
According to research by bedding brand Tielle, many Londoners are doing the same; one in 20 couples in the capital are planning to move house to gain an additional bedroom, with the sole aim of 'sleep divorcing', while one in 10 have remortgaged to accommodate their 'sleep divorce', double the national average.
"The sleep divorce isn't a new concept. But, what is new, is the lengths that homeowners are starting to go to, to be able to sleep apart," says Catherine Morris, Tielle Managing Director.
Vannessa Viljoen and her fiancé, musician Josiah, are moving house to allow them to sleep in separate bedroomsLucy YoungViljoen hasn't mentioned their plan to friends yet and isn't sure how it will be interpreted: "People would think, 'Oh they're in the doghouse', 'If you have more time for yourself, you guys aren't that close.' I think that would be the reaction." In fact, she says, the opposite is true; sleep divorcing has helped their relationship and they're planning to marry next year. "A healthier self is a better us... There's more happiness, love and connection. I say to him 'I love you, but you need to sleep like a nun.'"
Teacher Melanie Turner, 54, and her husband Jason, who live with their two children in Crystal Palace, have also found having a sleep divorce beneficial.
Turner initially started sleeping in the spare bedroom after finding the couple's shared bed uncomfortable. "I thought it had given me back problems. We went away over Christmas, and I had the best night's sleep because the bed was so hard. I decided to sleep in the spare room for a bit because the bed was firmer."
As well as the bed itself, Turner found other, unexpected, benefits. "Our bedroom was on the top floor and was freezing in winter and boiling in summer. I'm going through the menopause, and it was hard to control my temperature." Being in a separate bedroom meant she could choose her own bedding and dispense with the memory foam topper which made her too hot. The room has also become a sanctuary, and Turner made the move permanent in May: "It's a space from having teenage children, somewhere to decompress... It's definitely given me the space to be calmer and much happier."
Turner admits that her husband was "a bit miffed at first" but he has come around to things. "He's got more comfortable too. He can stay up later reading and takes the paper to bed. I didn't like him doing that because of the rustling sound of the newspaper... Sleeping should be a personal thing... When you've been together for a long time, it's something that you want, especially when you have kids and are sleep deprived."
Turner says she's talked about their set-up with friends. "They all say that it sounds lovely, but they're afraid of the vibes it sends out and they don't have the space of a spare room." Like Viljoen, she feels like there's still a taboo about sleeping in separate beds. "[It's] seen as a step that your marriage is going downhill."
Surprisingly, the double bed is a relatively modern phenomenon. It was ushered in by the Industrial Revolution, when the cramped conditions in cities popularised this space-saving alternative to twin beds.
"Historically, the upper classes in the UK and Europe were known to sleep separately (it's probably down to having the space to be able to do so, as well as historical marriages being more about alliance than love!), and it's been reported that Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip maintained separate bedrooms," says Geraldine Joaquim, a clinical hypnotherapist specialising in sleep disorders.
Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick pose for rare photo with their children. The couple reportedly sleep in different bedsInstagram / James Wilkie BroderickOther famous sleep divorcees include The Beckhams , Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick, and Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden.
Sleeping apart, to varying degrees, is also popular in different parts of the world. "In Scandinavia, it's more common for there to be two single beds side-by-side than a double bed in the bedroom," says Adrian Zacher, CEO of the British Society of Pharmacy Sleep Services. Japan also has a culture of separate sleeping, while, in some parts of India, women share sleeping spaces with their children.
"Sleep is a selfish act; we need to be as comfortable as we can be in order to go to sleep and maintain it throughout the night. And, no matter how relaxed you are with your partner, you are sharing space and a bed, which may mean making compromises in your own comfort," highlights Joaquim. Poor sleep is also likely to have a knock-on effect with your relationship; research published in Science Direct found that couples were more negative towards each other after a shorter sleep durations.
Even sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox can see the benefits. "A lot of people, especially as you get a bit older, end up sleeping in separate rooms because of snoring because they can't sleep. I've always thought that's not going to make sex that great, is it? A kiss goodbye [each night]. But in fact, if you can get a really good night's sleep, you wake up and you're happier the next day... If you can't get a good night's sleep, you're certainly not going to wake up and want to have sex."
Sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox can see the benefits© Matt WrittleSeeley flags the health benefits, both mental and physical: "Lack of sleep leads to higher levels of irritability, anger, frustration - and chronic sleep deprivation can even be linked to depression and anxiety. Sleep deficiency is linked to several health issues, including high blood pressure, heart disease, kidney disease, diabetes, and stroke."
Before having a sleep divorce, there are various things you can try, depending on what your flash points are. Having separate duvets is helpful if you disagree on tog and temperature, (or if one of you hogs it!), while eye masks and ear plugs can help with light disagreements, snoring and different sleep routines. "When my husband's snores, I use silicone ear plugs that flatten across your ear. Honestly, the whole building could fall down, and I wouldn't know," says Cox.
If you've tried the above and a sleep divorce seems like the best option, think carefully about how to broach the subject, especially if only one partner is the 'sleep sufferer'.
"I like to use the 'hamburger' technique with any potentially sensitive conversation: open with love... Then move on to the thing you want to discuss, you're struggling to sleep well, you wake up multiple times in the night, you feel exhausted, you feel that it might be worth trialling sleeping on your own to see how it goes and whether your sleep improves. Finally close with love and reassure again," says Joaquim. Seeley also suggests a trial period, advising: "Keep an open communication and continue to discuss how you both think it's going."
It's also important to still make time for each other, whether that's with regular date nights or committing to spending an hour together (without phones!) before bed. "Sleeping in separate beds doesn't mean the intimacy in your relationship is over," says Seeley. "Agreeing to a sleep divorce shows respect for each other's needs and wellbeing, which can lead to a deeper bond and a greater effort to be intimate outside of sharing a bed."
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