Survivor Recap: Best Laid Plans

I regret to inform you that it's Emma filling in for Brian today, like Rome's Make-A-Wish moment narrating from Jeff's Tribal Council stump. I'll try to be 87 percent less insufferable.

Following Sierra's blindside, Sam performs the obligatory grovel charade, telling the tribe that he's totally not mad and appreciates them keeping him around. Andy is so proud of himself for flipping on his former Gata, but his vote was simply a contribution, not a catalyst. It's kind of like when a little kid traces an image of the eco-warrior dog from Paw Patrol and then tries to brag to his mom about how good he's getting at drawing.

The next morning, Teeny tries to make amends with Sam, even though she has no intention of keeping him around, and deflects blame onto Tuku, pretending that it was their priority to break up Sam and Sierra and she just had to go along with it. I feel like if Teeny makes it to Final Tribal Council, she'll have a lot of trouble compellingly narrativizing her game — she's snaky and a people-pleaser at the same time, which could boil down to a lack of accountability and refusal to own her game.

The castaways receive Treemail that instructs them to divvy up into five pairs ahead of the next immunity challenge — but only one person will win the hardware. This informs Sam's decision to pick Andy as his partner; Andy interprets this as an olive branch, a chance to "be bros" again, while Sam views it as a shot to go head-to-head with a weaker player.

Rachel picks Caroline, and Genevieve goes with Sue, while Lavos Teeny and Sol stick together, and macho men Kyle and Gabe team up. When the duos arrive at the mat, Jeff rubs his hands together like a cartoon villain and says, "Welcome" in a sort of Dracula-adjacent voice. He should ditch the accent work, but I'll take it over last week's "Shakespeare in the Park" monstrosity.

Jeff explains that the challenge will be played in three phases, with pairs getting eliminated at the first two checkpoints. In the last round, the remaining four players will compete as individuals. The four finalists all get a BLT lunch (they just ate copious amounts of auction food yesterday, but sure), but the first four losers will lose their vote, with the chance to win it back on a journey. More wrongful vote termination is frustrating as a Survivor purist, but why am I surprised? Jeff's vision for the New Era game seems to be to dilute the opportunity for strategy and politics as much as possible and replace it with a weeklong bender at Foxwoods that comes with a voucher for unlimited pigs in a blanket.

The challenge begins, and the players squeeze themselves through tiny tunnels full of sand before digging up a bag of puzzle pieces. Andy and Sam botch this part, accidentally ripping their bag when they pull it too hard, and they're like, "Daddy Jeff, we broke it!" and Jeff is like, "Your fault, tough shit."

Gabe and Kyle, Teeny and Sol, and Genevieve and Sue advance to the next round, with Genevieve and Sue taking an early lead building a set of puzzle steps. Once they get to the top of their staircase, they have to navigate a sUpEr TrIcKy ThReE-LeVeL BaLaNcE bEaM that everyone finds exceptionally easy except Genevieve and Sue, causing them to blow their time advantage and miss out on the final round.

The individual phase is a classic foothold attrition challenge. All four players push through the first three rounds, as the footholds get narrower and narrower, but Sol and Teeny drop within seconds of each other right before the final stretch. This creates a showdown between Kyle and Gabe. Gabe admirably tells Jeff to stop talking to him, which is the same way I feel when my laser hair removal technician tries to distract me from the pain with small talk about local Brooklyn happenings, to which I say, "Carly, the only word out of my mouth for the next seven and a half minutes is going to be 'fuck.'"

Gabe, who hasn't had any food all season, successfully puts an end to Kyle's winning streak. Maybe Kyle is being smited by the vegetarian overlords for eating those buffalo wings the other day. After Jeff puts the bat signal around Gabe's neck, Gabe asks if he can "hit a dance for the people at home." Jeff grants this request, and Gabe humiliates himself on national television for fifteen unbearable seconds. This is one of my biggest gripes with New Era players — they all have incurable theater kid energy. Act like you've been there before!

A boorish burp-off between Sol and Gabe breaks out at the reward picnic, and after some juvenile fun, they get down to business with Teeny and Kyle to decide on a name. The easy pick is Sam, which is music to Teeny's ears, and everyone agrees that they have nothing to worry about concerning Sue and Genevieve's uninterrupted alone time back at the shelter.

However, Genevieve and her impeccably white teeth have other ideas. She wants Sol out because he helped engineer the Rome blindside a few tribals ago, and she gets Sue onboard by informing her that Sol has been throwing around Gabe's name, one of Sue's top allies. With Sue's blessing, she corrals Gabe and Kyle, and they decide they'll just need Caroline's vote when she gets back from the journey to lock it in.

Speaking of the journey, the losing players — Andy, Caroline, Rachel, and Sam — arrive at their trial and learn that only one of them will leave without a vote. Okay, maybe I overreacted a little before, but I didn't have all the facts! The four of them will compete in a game of reverse Jenga, building a tower out of little metal cards until one person fails to place a card without knocking it all down. The tower gets impressively tall, but Caroline ultimately takes the fall.

This, of course, is bad news for the Tuku + Genevieve coalition, who are relying on Caroline's vote for a majority against Sol. This means they need to bring in Rachel, who agrees to backstab Sol no questions asked, despite him bestowing her with the Safety Without Power advantage two tribals ago.

Rachel reconnects with Sam, her fellow bottom-feeder, and completely bungles the conversation. First, she proves that she's intentionally pushing him down to step on his skull on her way up the ladder, blatantly leaving him out of the plan to strengthen her own position with the power posse. Then, she foolishly confirms what's going on when he correctly guesses, putting her game in the hands of someone who she just insulted. He promises that he won't "blow up her spot," and in the same breath, runs to Sol like a little schoolboy who caught his classmate graffiti the urinals.

Sam pitches to Sol that they go for Sue, who he thinks has a spider web of connections tying up the game, but when they bring in Teeny, she wants Kyle, and they agree without discussion as if she had merely suggested that they get kielbasa instead of meatballs on a shared pizza. With Tribal only minutes away, they quickly try to scoop up Rachel and Genevieve (who they still have no idea is pioneering the plot against them) to vote for Kyle.

As soon as Tribal begins, the cast starts whispering to each other in little side conversations, and suddenly Sol is saying it's Sue again, causing paranoia and confusion from the rest of his voting bloc. No one can focus because every time Jeff chooses someone to yap about an irrelevant topic like the power of comradeship, the name changes behind them. It devolves into a semi-live Tribal, which I think should be banned. Here's a Dua Lipa New Rule: Once you're seated for Tribal Council, you can't stand up again until it's time to vote.

When Jeff reads the votes, they're unanimously against Sol. Even Teeny voted for him, although she cries as he walks off. And to his credit, he walks off like a man. No pressuring Jeff into an awkward hug with your unshowered body.

Genevieve was able to maintain control of her minions despite the chaos and noise surrounding them and even flipped stragglers onto her side. My only concern for her is: Was it worth it? If she was truly driven by avenging Rome, who she is sincerely overestimating her capacity to tolerate for another 14 days, then that's a waste of a move. Rome isn't even on the jury, and now she's broken out with the Grammy for Best New Artist, establishing herself as a strategic threat and a powerful leader way earlier than she needed to. Before this vote, Kyle believed she "wasn't a super social thinker," but he definitely does now.