The FCD Fan’s Guide to Hatewatching Matchday 37
I'm Dustin "El Jefe" Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I'm also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I'm sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompanimentMore people are familiar with Dandy Don Meredith's rendition of this song at the end of a game on Monday Night Football back in the day, and if you're one of those people, you're probably also getting mail from AARP and insurance companies selling Medicare supplemental policies.
Last weekIf you had told me four months ago, that we'd have "The Party's Over" in this column in October, I would've been surprised. But a week ago, I would've also been surprised — for an entirely different reason — if you told me that I'd have it in this week's column.
But the competitive portion of FC Dallas' 2024 season has come to an end after a not-so-surprising hamblasting by Papi's new crew at the otherwise friendly confines of Toyota Stadium, followed by a very surprising dismantling by one of the worst teams in league history at PayPal Park on Wednesday night.
And now the recriminations and postmortems have begun. I've got my opinions about who the coach should be in 2025, but I also thought that Charlie Strong would be a great coach for the Texas Longhorns 10 years ago, so maybe I'll keep those opinions to myself.
What is undeniable, however, is that this team has far too many guys making salaries in the high six figures and seven figures playing like a bunch of dudes, and far too many players making in the five figures and low six figures trying to do great things. And when the attack seems to hum a lot better with Logan Farrington than with Jesús Ferreira, it's time to make some tough decisions.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana) FC Cincinnati vs. Orlando City (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)Speaking Papi's new crew, they continue to do their best Lazarus impression, having rebounded from an absolutely dreadful start that had them below the playoff line with 18 points after 18 games on June 19. They're now in 4th with 49 points after 32 games, and while they can't catch 3rd place Cincy, who's seven points ahead with two games to go, this should be a fun game to watch.
Watching Orlando dismantle FCD last weekend was a reminder of how FCD used to play. They were smart, they didn't mess around too much with the ball, and they weren't shy about going forward and putting pressure on FCD in defense. And since FCD's defense has largely been sacrificed in an effort to push forward for more goals at the other end, and since it was suspect to begin with, Maarten Paes got to pick the ball out of his net three times. Thank you for coming, good night.
On the other side, FC Cincinnati was best poised to take advantage when Lionel Messi went out injured in June, since they were close on the heels of Inter Miami, since they were the defending Supporters Shield holders, and since, well, you'd like the odds of a team falling off after they lost the greatest player of our generation. But Miami didn't fall off and Cincy lost six out of the last 10, including last weekend and Wednesday night.
Still, they're well-constructed and well-coached and managed to survive and stay in the top four of the East in 2024, despite selling Brandon Vázquez last offseason. Good roster construction and good coaching... what a concept. It would be nice to see both things return to Frisco.
Jefe the Hater's rooting pick: Orlando. Speaking of roster construction, our old pal Luis Muzzi ain't doing bad himself in Orlando. Watching Orlando City in action is like watching what FCD could've been in another universe if Pareja and Muzzi hadn't left after the 2018 season.
Little Brother Game of the Week LA Galaxy vs. Austin FC (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)Among the many disappointing things about FCD's elimination is that it came earlier than Little Brother Green's elimination. That being said, they're six points behind Portland with two games to go and even if they won both games and Portland lost both, they'd have to make up an 18-goal difference in goal differential. So... they're done.
And that'll make four years in the league and one playoff appearance ever. Obviously fans of a team with that sort of run will react in all sorts of predictable ways. Most will find other things to do with their Saturday night:
(By the way, Adrian Healey used to work Little Brother Green, including being their local play-by-play announcer. And now, he's on ESPN's La Liga coverage and based in Valencia, Spain. Talk about an upgrade.)
Other fans, however, will lose their minds:
Again?
Jefe the Hater's rooting pick: LA. Put the little brothers in the dirt.
"Let's Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference" Game of the Week Toronto FC vs. Inter Miami (MLS Season Pass, 3:00)This was a tough pick, but at some point, you gotta give people their flowers. And it's time for me to give Miami their flowers. On the night that FCD was officially eliminated from the 2024 playoffs, Inter Miami went into Columbus and won 3-2, clinching the Supporters Shield.
People can debate how meaningful the Supporters Shield is but don't worry about any of that crap. The winners get home-field through the playoffs and get a berth in the CONCACAF Champions Cup. It also means that you've consistently been able to rack up points better than the rest of the league for the last seven months. Any more than that is up for debate.
But the "consistently rack up points" is the important piece here. Miami did that this year. They've only lost four league games all season and haven't lost more than one game in a row. Their longest winless streak this season came to three games, and they got points out of both. They're in contention to break the league record for points in a season.
And they did all that while missing their greatest player of our generation for nine games, during which they won eight games. The one loss in that time, a 6-1 loss in Cincinnati on July 6, also happens to be the last time they have lost in league play.
Columbus has been good. The Galaxy have been good. Miami has been the best.
Jefe the Hater's rooting pick: Toronto, because I'm still a hater.
Sickos Game of the Week New England Revolution vs. DC United (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)This was also a tough pick because this weekend is full of Sickos-grade games, most of which follow the template of "good team plays crummy team":
But this is the only one which matches up two bad teams. And as a hater who's been around since Day One, it delights me because these teams have collectively been to more MLS Cup finals than I can even count and both teams have employed the utterly insufferable Bruce Arena.
Amazingly, however, neither team has been officially eliminated from the playoffs yet. The current 9th place team in the East, Toronto, has 37 points and is officially done for the regular season after they play Miami on Saturday. With 29 teams, one team has to miss Decision Day and that'll be Toronto. DC also has 37 points and only 32 games played. New England has only 31 points but has only 31 games played. In fact, only one team has been eliminated in the East, and that is Chicago.
So the rooting pick here for haters is obvious.
Jefe the Hater's rooting pick: Draw.
Good Guys Game of the Week Portland Timbers vs. FC Dallas (MLS Season Pass, Sunday at 6:00)To be honest, we're getting a little too familiar with the whole "FCD plays the end of their league season only because they have to" scenario.
FCD is playing the Timbers, but who cares? They're not really a rival and there's nothing riding on this game but professional pride, which has been in a little bit of short supply on World Cup Way in recent seasons. I'm not even talking about the players. Those guys have usually put in professional efforts, but too often, you just see their limitations in spades. I'm not talking about the coaches. They do their best, but Luchi Gonzalez and Marco Ferruzzi and Nico Estévez and Peter Luccin weren't exactly salty vets of the touchline when they got their gigs.
No, I'm talking about their bosses. How can anyone sit in front of the press and say that this is a playoff roster? We dummies in the stands know better. We see the difference between FCD and the actual good teams in this league. Some of us have known this team's biggest problems since the last offseason, others a little more belatedly.
And if your entire business model relies on selling hot, up-and-coming players, why do you hire a coach who prefers veterans, no matter how ordinary, over draft picks and the players coming out of the academy? And how do you not put those younger players into an environment on the first team where the #1 thing that they'll learn is not "how to lose"?
And when you've failed at that continuously, to varying degrees, for multiple years straight, how can you sit there and say anything but "We've messed up and we need to do better," especially when you're jacking up ticket prices and expecting people to fill up your newly rebuilt stadium in three years?
I'm not worried about the players. They'll play to the best of their abilities and try to overcome whatever physical or mental impediments they're dealing with at this point in time. And maybe they'll be brilliant, maybe they'll be dumb, maybe they'll win or lose or draw.
It's the people in the really big offices I'm skeptical about.
