The Real Housewives of Potomac Season-Premiere Recap: Drive Me Crazy

When we last left off with the ladies of Potomac, I openly lamented my beloved franchise being trapped in an ouroboros of conflict and misery, unable to escape the lingering shadow of season five's fight between Candiace and Monique. For three seasons, the cast had been siloed into intractable camps with few exceptions — namely, Karen and Mia's penchant for seeking chaos at all costs. It was troubling to watch my favorite Maryland floozies flail in an endless loop of irreconcilable conflict; the tension among the ensemble was not only frustrating to watch, but also visibly miserable for the cast. Something desperately needed to change, and fast, to get the group back on track and dazzling our cameras with nonsense.

Well, in the words of the great philosopher and preacher Gloria Hallelujah Woods, "Every day the sun won't shine, but that's why I love tomorrows." It's been about six months since a cherry blossom has last graced our screens, and in that time, much has changed. The Dixons have parted ways with the camera, an exit that will hopefully allow their marriage to fight another day, away from the constant scrutiny of the Bravo fanbase. Candiace is building a family of her own, and chose to pursue that journey in an environment where she was not constantly triggered into a shrieking emotional mess at each conflict. Nneka was unfortunately relegated to a one-season phenomenon, taking her shrine and witchcraft allegations out the door with her. We have officially entered soft-reboot territory, akin to RHONY season five and RHOC season 16 — and, God willing, the shakeup will inject a much needed breath of fresh air into the flailing franchise.

We are now down to three original cast members from Potomac's debut season: Gizelle, Karen, and Ashley, all of whom have had significant transformations between seasons. Gizelle is entering season nine not only having lost her partner in crime and fellow green-eyed bandit, Robyn Dixon, but also freshly grieving the recent passing of her father, and both incidents have her in a more conciliatory and open space than ever before, less focused on creating the mess than participating with her castmates. Ashley is still not divorced yet, but is now openly dating, even participating in a Bravo dating show alongside Gizelle, Luann de Lesseps, and Shannon Beador. And speaking of Shannon Beador, the grand dame herself made the headlines with a DUI of her own shortly after the season wrapped, leading to yet another season where Mrs. Huger will be doing her best to avoid any significant inquiries into her personal life with one-liners, deflections, and grandiose hijinks.

The season picks up in the aftermath of Karen's DUI and car crash. After a bizarre reenactment of the collision by the editing team, the episode transitions into a silent title screen, which initially had me anxiously assuming that we were in for a Very SpecialTM episode. My fears were thankfully quickly assuaged when we fast-forward to a month later, and Gizelle is picking up Karen to debrief with her about where her life is. The duo sport matching denim sets as they head to Karen's favorite strip mall brunch locale Tally Ho's, which she frequents so often that they have a breakfast special named after her. On the ride over, we get a few details: In confessionals, the wives read off a litany of felonies and citations Karen was charged with, ranging from a suspended license (presumably from her first DUI) to reckless driving/speeding. In grande dame fashion, we get a few details — her ribs and ankle were injured, and the car was totaled — but it's not long before she immediately launches into her tried and true routine of evasiveness.

Gizelle humors Karen as she launches into oft-repeated rationalizations that always stop just short of accepting culpability for her actions; she had been struggling with grieving her parents, her marriage is in a rough place, and legally she cannot say much until the process is adjudicated. I am certainly not here to invalidate how long the grieving process takes — I am intimately aware of how close personal losses stick with you for the rest of your life — but longtime viewers are well aware that the grande dame has been invoking the same talking points since season three whenever she is in the hot seat. Six years later, that context lacks the potency it once had to inoculate her from critique, particularly since after hitting her trusty marks in her speech, she declines to confirm whether she was drinking that night at all.

Gizelle is handling the scene with an atypical level of nuance, pushing Karen at certain points, while letting her fall on her own sword at others. Two seasons ago, Gizelle would have pushed Karen into admitting that she was a drunk with a problem, as Charrisse did with the group last season; currently, however, she is navigating the issue well, allowing Karen's contradictions and inconsistencies to linger in the air. Do any of us believe that Karen has never had a glass of prosecco or three at the watering hole just down the road from her Potomac house? Of course not, but it's amusing to watch her convince the waiter to insist that she hasn't on camera.

Eventually Gizelle brings up the first planned all-cast event of the season: a 'Hatitude' birthday lunch for Karen, featuring Gizelle donning a caravan of frightfully tacky hats for all of the women in the group. Before we transition to the chaos of that, however, we take a swing over to Mia and Gordon, whose lives are somehow even more dumbfounding than when we left them. After an off season of the formally married couple duking it out in the press with competing interviews revealing shocking allegations about each other, Mia and Gordon are now formally separated, with Gordon living in his own apartment in the same building as Mia and the kids. They are still dealing with the fallout of bringing their drama on camera, and as a result of their public bickering and the actions of Mia's new partner, Inc, the paternity of their son Jeremiah is a lingering question that is yet to be resolved, among many others.

I am not going to linger more than necessary on discussions around Jeremiah's paternity, simply because I find discussing children in this matter unseemly and morally dubious, a point that seems to elude Mia when confronted with it at Karen's birthday brunch later. Outside of that distressing conversation, there is still plenty of material to pore over — one being that Mia has effectively moved Inc into her life full time and spent the bulk of the summer traveling with him, and Inc is so involved in their lives that he has folded Gordon's laundry for him, a discovery that made me drop my glass in shock. As a fellow 5'10" amazon, it is hysterical the lengths Mia takes to ensure her short king shines in their Instagram photo ops: She is always standing in front to force perspective, and sometimes goes as far as a dramatic "candid" of her hunched over laughing to minimize the height differential. As Karen quipped, we all know that Inc needs an apple box to stand eye to eye with Mia. Let your petite prince live!

Despite Gizelle's horrific taste in hats — she inexplicably picked an array of bowler hats, boaters, and even a top hat for the affair, in addition to taco and banana hats to serve as befuddling "hats of punishment" — the event kicks off seamlessly, with the entire cast as well as newcomers Stacey and Vivien making it to the festivities. Gizelle made a point to invite Wendy, the first olive branch extended between the duo since the former professor dressed her down at the Reasonably Shady event in season six. The moments of shade are present but mainly lighthearted: Gizelle names a non-alcoholic drink on the custom menu the "grand dame," and Ashley brings a "bounce back" DUI basket filled with hilarious accouterments like a Stanley cup, Uber cards, and a birdhouse kit — a gesture that is equally petty and comical, as is Ashley's forte.

Before long, the group begins to whisper more explicitly about the elephant in the room. Karen has largely been taciturn about her upcoming court dates and general circumstance, but Mia kicks the door open by mentioning that Karen seemingly drunk dialed Jacqueline recently, prompting a series of nervous murmurs around the table. Wendy is immediately turned off by the tenor of the conversation, stating "I want no parts." While Mia certainly seems to have a score to settle with Karen after their friendship fell apart last season, this is not a productive way to get a jab in. A DUI, while dangerous and shameful, does not all of a sudden mean that the perpetrator makes a vow of sobriety to atone. They simply need to stop driving.

Karen is no stranger to a planned interrogation from the cast, however, and enters the lion's den prepared, suddenly transitioning into talking like a mob boss. "Be mindful of how you go so low," she warns with just the tiniest undercurrent of malice. "What I want to know is, who is my real friend?" The women look on in stunned silence. "I want to see who are the real soldiers for Karen Huger, because I certainly don't want any fake bitches around me." It's a confrontation straight out of a mafia movie, and she delivers it with such earnestness that you would think that she was under investigation for a RICO, not totaling her own car.

Unfortunately for Mia, her attempt at keeping Karen in the hot seat ends up being deflected right back onto her. In short order, the statuesque beauty is peppered with questions from the cast on the status of her romantic and family life. In a misguided attempt to take the pressure off from Mia, Jacqueline refers to the previous marriage to Gordon as a "business partnership," a statement that raises more questions than answers. Are we acknowledging that Gordon was a sugar daddy and the funds ran out? Last season, Mia made a point of stating that she had her own money; this is a notable change of tune.

In any case, Karen sees the opportunity to strike back, and does so without hesitation, criticizing Mia for letting her kids get involved in the pandemonium of her personal life. It is a fair critique; as a result of Mia and Gordon's actions, speculation around their children's activities became headline news and the subject of numerous interviews, which Mia struggles to take accountability for. It may be true that Gordon became cruel and abusive as their marriage deteriorated, but as Gizelle points out, she failed to protect her kids at all costs. That's a hard pill to swallow for anyone, much less a slightly narcissistic reality star, and Mia predictably does not take kindly to the implication, ending the episode by running to the bathroom in tears after listing out all the ways her children are thriving. It's a fraught scene, and one that sets the pace for the rest of the season. The alliances of the previous seasons are no more, and anyone can get their moment of scrutiny in the weeks to come.

All in all, we got a strong debut and a more promising outlook for the rest of the season than we've had in several years. Welcome back to Maryland, everyone. See you next week!

Cherry Blossoms • Ashley debuting her confessional look sporting a fresh spray-tan and blonde short cut? Simply stunning, and a strong look to debut with.

• Wendy Osefo being a Swiftie was a plot development that I did not expect. I need footage of her mispronouncing lyrics at the Eras tour ASAP. " Pull up in the Sri Lanka " has been a fixture in my lexicon of all-time Housewives moments.

• Ashley's lawyer expressed that they were hoping to get to mediation and handle the matter by around Labor Day. That was a month ago; Ashley still isn't divorced. We're starting to veer into Channing Tatum/Jenna Dewan territory here.

• We are briefly introduced to the newcomers this episode: Stacey, the newly separated former QVC host, Vivien the boutique owner, and Jassi the NFL wag. More on them next week, and after the Eileen Davidson Accords have lifted.

• GNA fashion is now GNA fusion, with a "wellness" element being added to their collection of leggings and graphic tees. Chile, I guess.