Vermont's Older Adults Search for a Second Chance at Love
"I was thinking, " he said. "
Nolan, a South Burlington resident and salesman at Vermont Paint, attempted to meet people through his day-to-day activities and would attend his grandkids' basketball games partly in hopes of finding someone his age. When those efforts didn't pan out, he signed up for Zoosk, an online dating site popular among seniors.
After a few lackluster dates arranged through the app, he felt a spark with Victoria Beattie, a 71-year-old paraeducator at a preschool in Burlington. An initial meetup for coffee at Burlington Bay spilled into hours of conversation, a stroll down Church Street and dinner that same evening. They found connection over a shared devotion to their families, active lifestyles and an enthusiasm for the music of Elvis Presley.
Before long, the couple were meeting for coffee every day. It became their ritual to stop at the Black Cap Coffee & Bakery and walk around downtown Burlington for hours after work.
In January, Nolan hid a ring behind the pillows on Beattie's living room couch and asked Alexa to play Presley's "Love Me Tender." As they waltzed, he revealed the ring, got down on bended knee and proposed.
"I wanted to fall in love with my best friend, and I did," Nolan said.
For the couple and other Vermont seniors, finding love can be a daunting enterprise — especially for those thrust into singledom after decades of marriage. But if dating is a numbers game, the demographics of the Green Mountain State in many ways offer an unusually favorable playing field. Vermont is the third-oldest U.S. state by median age and boasts roughly 55,000 unmarried residents over age 65 , according to the U.S. Census Bureau's 2021 American Community Survey. One in four Vermonters is 60 or older, and their number is growing.
Avid readers of likely have noticed the droves of older adults turning to its personal ads in search of love or companionship. A recent search of the newspaper's personals returned no fewer than 115 results for people 65 and older, at least nine of whom identified as LGBTQ. And many people made clear that they are on the hunt for more than a crossword partner.
"Still hot, still horny," offered one man, who advertised his age as 74.
Dating at a mature age can offer advantages, experts say. Older adults are free from the pressures of finding a partner with whom to have or raise children, and they often bring a wealth of life experience that can yield greater emotional maturity.
"You don't have to do this whole awkward introductory phase like you tend to find when dating with younger people," said Alexandra Freeman, cofounder of Introductions , a national matchmaking service for people of all ages, with a chapter in Vermont. "You can skip that part and get straight to the good aspects of the relationship."
Once seen as taboo, senior dating is treated with some fascination these days. A prominent example is the buzz surrounding the 2023 series "The Golden Bachelor," a wildly popular reality dating show that featured 22 women of a certain age vying for the affections of a 71-year-old widower, with marriage as the prize. In September, the show was renewed as "The Golden Bachelorette," this time with a female lead.
But TV may gloss over some of the less glamorous aspects of senior dating. Intimacy may look different than before, and there can be stigma surrounding older people and sex. Widowed or divorced people may be reluctant to open up again to a romantic partner. Some seniors don't want to take on the prospect of ending up as a new lover's caretaker. Many older adults find it intimidating to navigate online dating platforms for the first time, though one in six Americans who are 50 or older report having used a dating site or app, according to a 2022 study by the Pew Research Center .
David Crane, 79, a retired real estate agent in Jeffersonville, steered clear of dating websites after his wife died of breast cancer in 2002. But after some years, he found it challenging to meet people in the course of daily life and felt lonely.
"It's hard to go to things where all the other couples are married and you're the only single person," said Crane, an avid skier and biker who sports a neatly trimmed white goatee and short, salt-and-pepper hair. "But that's part of getting older and not having a full-time partner."
In July, he began browsing the personal ads, which he thought appeared an ideal place to find single women around his age. A listing by 73-year-old Shyrone Ridley, who noted a passion for travel, caught his eye. Crane sent her a message through the newspaper's website, asking that their first interaction be a phone call, rather than an email or text, because he was "not very good at poking the little buttons" on his phone.
The two started calling daily. In July, they met for their first face-to-face date, lunch at the Spot on the Dock in Burlington. For their second meetup, over coffee at Speeder & Earl's, they allowed a reporter to sit in.
"I just feel such a comfort with David," said Ridley, who at the time lived near Baltimore, Md., but visited Vermont often to volunteer for U.S. Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.). "It's not dating just to date. I'm looking for a long-term relationship, for companionship. At this point in my life, I have different priorities."
Indeed, seniors seeking romance may list different priorities than in their younger years, according to Freeman. Many retirees are looking for partners who can dedicate significant time to the budding relationship. Age differences matter less in later years, she said. Empty nesters with fewer familial obligations are generally more willing to travel for love.
"People are not as hung up on some of the requirements that they might have had in the past," Freeman said. "They say, 'At this age, I can go anywhere. I'm retired. Distance is no object.'"
While some people may prefer meeting through an old-fashioned printed newspaper ad, Albert Gilberti has opted for a more ostentatious approach: renting billboards across the country. Since last year, the 70-year-old Rutland resident, whose shoulder-length hair is part of what he calls "the old hippie look," has advertised his potential as a romantic partner through leased billboards in cities from Youngstown, Ohio, to Nashville, Tenn., and beyond.
In Sweetwater, Texas, he pitched himself as a "lonely male" willing to relocate and as a "marriage-minded" person fond of karaoke. A billboard in Philadelphia featured a photo of him wearing a fedora, along with the text, "singer actor lover."
Divorced in 2015, Gilberti told he is looking for someone loyal, sincere and trustworthy. Although he said he has received hundreds of responses, none has been Ms. Right so far. Because of the distances, he prefers to start with a Zoom call and then to "see what happens."
But Gilberti also craves more in-person connections. He said he might consider advertising on a bus or a bench in Vermont, given the state's ban on roadside billboards. He has also called the Godnick Adult Center in Rutland to suggest that it host a senior dance.
As a septuagenarian, Gilberti said he's still looking for intimacy and is not daunted by the prospect of caring for someone in their later years. "No one wants to pass away and have nobody there," he said.
Other seniors are embracing dating apps primarily marketed toward young adults. Sarah Soule, 64, and Leigh Oliva, 62, met on Bumble. They went back and forth via email before meeting for their first real date at the Starry Night Café in Ferrisburgh in March. The date went so well, Oliva said, that they "were the first ones there and the last to leave."
On later meetups, the pair enjoyed fishing, hiking and visiting parks. Oliva, a retired salesman at Orvis in Manchester, taught Soule how to fly-fish. Soule joked that she knew their relationship was getting serious when Oliva bought her a pair of waders.
The couple tied the knot in June — each table at the wedding dinner named after a different type of fishing fly — and now split their time between Shelburne and Fort Myers, Fla.
The marriage is Soule's first. After reaching her sixties without a partner, she said, she had come to terms with being single — and happy.
"If somebody had told me two years ago I was going to be married, I'd be like, 'Yeah right, you're on drugs,'" she said. "I had given up, and then I found him, and . I'm really lucky."
In the months since Crane and Ridley first met, their relationship has blossomed. Last week, Ridley moved to Waterbury Center to start a customer service job at Darn Tough Vermont and spend weekends with Crane in Jeffersonville.
For Mark and Victoria Nolan, the South Burlington couple who met on Zoosk, seeking a second love has yielded an unexpected new beginning. The couple got married in July in a no-frills ceremony at Burlington's Perkins Pier, attended by seven guests.
They described their bond as a steady, quiet love that, Mark acknowledged, might not be what they would have sought at a younger age. One of their favorite pastimes is to sit at the apartment they now share and enjoy a good book, within easy reach of their best friend.
