Asking Eric: My friend’s mean girl streak is too much

Dear Eric: About three years ago, a work friend "T" and I quickly became close. T professed her (platonic) love effusively. I, a non-trusting person who usually keeps people at arm's length, believed I had found a new "bestie".

But, once in a while and completely unexpectedly, T goes into a "mean girl" mode.

She'll make undermining comments about my appearance, snap at me about seemingly trivial things, and acts annoyed and pissed off throughout our encounter. In group situations, the irritation seems laser-focused on my behavior and no one else's.

We have already had one blow-up after which I ended the friendship. A year later, we reconciled when she reached out. But on a recent weekend trip together, her "mean girl" persona reared its ugly head. When I told her how it made me feel, she made excuses, saying that it was because I don't listen to her adequately.

These episodes are also a painful reminder of my sister, who has a personality disorder and exhibits similar behavior toward me. I eventually had to distance myself from her for my own well-being.

It's difficult to form close friendships in middle age, and I don't want to give up on my friendship with T, but I can't continue feeling like her emotional punching bag. Any ideas how to handle this situation without losing the good part of our relationship?

– Undermined and Over It

Dear Undermined: At some point, prior to meeting you, T learned that if she wasn't getting the attention she wants, she should be aggressively mean. And she learned that to get someone to like her she should bombard them with love. Neither of these lessons is true, and now you're suffering for it.

Worse still, because T's behavior mimics your sister's, it's likely prompting you to put up with it longer than you might otherwise. This is a terrible vise you're in and I'm sorry.

Try talking to T in a non-mean girl moment, setting a clear boundary. Even if she's not feeling listened to, abusive language or behavior is a no-go. Tell her that in order to maintain this relationship, she has to control herself. Ask her if she understands how this makes you feel and what her plan is to set a healthier course for your friendship.

If T won't respect your boundary, then it's safest for you to limit your contact with her. I hope she can be the bestie you deserve, but for your own well-being, she might be best as an arm's-length friend.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com .