Erika Ettin: Less texting; more dating
I did something a few years ago that I don't usually do - I tried to prove myself wrong. What? I know! Let me explain...
As a dating coach who works with people in both the online dating space and dating in general, the advice I give is what I know to work based on both my 13 years in the business (and, since I'm a former economist, I measure what I can). Even if it works 90% of the time, I'll still advise it. Especially since I can't, of course, control how other people react.
If you've been following my advice long enough, you'll know that I often call texting "the death of the first date" or "the place where dates go to die." (I promise I'm not usually this morbid or cynical.) So a few years ago, as I was managing my own Bumble account, I wanted to prove myself wrong.
I was chatting with a guy who, after a few messages back and forth about our pets and weekend plans, asked for my number. Actually, he said, "Maybe you'd like to meet up?" (While I'm glad he asked, of course, I'll admit to having a personal pet peeve with the "up." Are you trying to make it seem more casual? I'd just like to meet. Period.) Anyway, linguistic pet peeves aside, I replied, "That sounds nice!" Then, he asked, "Why don't you shoot me your number?"
Normally, I would advise a client to say, "You know, it actually helps me stay organized to arrange the details on here, but I'm happy to plan something for this weekend." Or even, "I'd prefer to arrange the date through Bumble, if that's OK with you, but I'm happy to share my number before we meet!" It usually works like a charm, especially if the person is keen on meeting since the date is the goal, not the phone number. Essentially, these lines "upgrade" to a date while keeping the communication on the dating app so the conversation doesn't go into the texting abyss, as it so often does.
But I decided to use this as an opportunity to reassess my views. I realize that this sample size of one cannot draw significant conclusions, yet the behavior I saw was exactly as I predicted it would be:
Him: Hey this is your bumble prince [The lack of punctuation when writing to a writer is not lost on me.]
Me: Can you really be my Bumble prince if you don't have an iPhone? :) [His texts were green, meaning that we're not using iMessage, meaning that he doesn't have an iPhone. It was a joke. Probably a poor one, but a joke nonetheless.]
Him: Yes ma'am! I make up for it
Me: We will see!
Him: Haha I'm already getting judged
Me: Not at all!
Him: Just giving you a hard time!
Me: I got it!
Him: I feel like you're probably more sarcastic than me. Or maybe sassy is the right word
Me: I am 0% sarcastic. I actually don't really like sarcasm. Sass I have in spades! [And yes, I did use the spade emoji.]
Him: How come you don't like sarcasm?
Me: I often find it someone's excuse to be mean. If someone doesn't like something, I'd rather they just say it! ;)
Him: Love sass! Ahh yes I can see that. I am definitely not mean
But I'm not sarcastic a lot
Sassy for sure
How's your day going? [Note: This is where things always go downhill.]
Me: Super busy actually!! [Note: It was 1 p.m. on a weekday!] Working all day. How about you?
Him: Ohh well then I can text you later
Me: Great!
After one more "How's the day been??" three hours later, when I was still working, and I responded as such (though very nicely), he was never to be heard from again. Yes, I could have pushed things along if I wanted to. But I didn't. And it was the middle of the workday. And he made no indication of planning a date.
As I told a client yesterday, texting before a first date is like driving a new car off the lot-it depreciates immediately. I'd venture to say that once the phone number is given on the app, there's a 65% chance that the first date will no longer happen. Why? People get lazy. They text, "How is your day?" vs. "Let's confirm our plans for Sunday. How's 6 p.m. in Brooklyn Heights?" Or someone says something that gets misconstrued. Or someone sends something inappropriate. You might be thinking, "Wouldn't I want to know if someone is like that before we meet?" Sure. But I still want you to just get to the date in order to make the assessment for yourself.
So, as much as I wanted to prove myself wrong, I stand by my advice to keep the date planning on the dating apps and then only exchange numbers at the last minute for contingencies. People get in their own way without knowing it. Don't let them.
