Hazlett: Tales from the front, Black Friday version
It’s Black Friday, and many of you are either shopping, working or trying to decide which Tupperware container has the leftover gravy in it.
I am on the road today, dear readers, and hope you will enjoy this golden oldie column from the day after Thanksgiving 2012. (And, yes, we still have the earrings.)
I swore I wouldn’t do it.
I was not going to the mall on Black Friday to fight thousands of adrenaline-charged shoppers, fighting over merchandise and clutching coupons like winners with Willy Wonka golden tickets.
But my teenage daughter asked for a coat that was marked down 50% (Black Friday only) at a local department store.
Knowing empty parking spaces would be nonexistent, my husband offered to drive us.
“Godspeed,” he said, as he dropped us off at the mall door.
If I had stuck to the original plan to buy only the coat, everything would’ve turned out fine. That purchase took only about 30 minutes. But I got greedy. The consumer spirit of Black Friday kicked in and my competitive nature took over. Look at those bargains!
A wiser woman would’ve held her hands to her face like blinders on a horse and walked out. But I was lured by underwear on sale. (Yes, my day’s demise was caused by underwear...)
The teenager and I plucked our sizes from the rack like fruit from a tree (75% off!).
“Would you please go get in the line?” I asked her, while I scanned the bargain horizon.
Finally, I headed to the cash registers, but couldn’t see where the line ended. Around the corner, I expected to find the final waiting customer, but there were only more people, loaded with merchandise. My daughter waved to me from the back of the store.
There must have been 200 people ahead of her. I’m not kidding.
“Don’t worry,” said one shopper. “Someone said the line goes fast.”
Faster than what? Melting glaciers?
Then a helpful clerk said, “The line in the jewelry section is shorter.”
Once again, a smarter woman would’ve given up and gone home. But not now; I was all in.
The jewelry line had only about 20 people. As I ran to take my place there, other shoppers had the same idea and soon the line was growing.
Then our clever plan was dashed. Another clerk announced to our lengthening line that purchases made at the jewelry counter must include jewelry. Go figure.
We looked at each other. Now what? We had already invested 20 minutes in this “short” line. To abandon our posts was to admit those other shoppers who stayed in the incredibly long line were right.
We girded ourselves. A jewelry purchase it would be! How about a “Hello Kitty” watch for grandpa? A bracelet for my daughter who only wants a coat?
“I better go look at the case,” said the woman in front of me. “Maybe I’ll buy a rope necklace. Will you save my spot?”
“Sure.” We had bonded, exchanging coupons and promising to email Christmas cookie recipes.
We inched forward toward the shining light of the register. The holy grail was within our reach...
All this time, I was experiencing a heavy dose of guilt. A two-sided conversation was going on in my head.
“You don’t need any jewelry. Put down the underwear and walk away.”
“But with coupons, I could buy myself a nice necklace at a low, low price...”
Then a desperate shopper threw herself at the mercy of the checkout clerk and begged for forgiveness.
“I confess! I don’t want jewelry, but would you please ring up these tube socks and faux leather wallet for my husband anyway?”
The poor clerk was obviously overwhelmed and it wasn’t even lunchtime yet. He took pity on the woman. “Ok, but just this once...”
Well, if she can grovel, I can too, I thought. But should I? Nah.
Hope you love your new Santa Claus earrings, Mom. They were 70% off!
Martin Luther King Jr. long weekend
Presidents Day
Memorial Day
State Sales Tax Holidays
Amazon Prime Day
Labor Day
Target Deal Days
Cyber Monday
Green Monday
Alibaba Singles' Day
Contact Susan Hazlett at or write to her in care of The Pantagraph, 205 N. Main St., Bloomington, IL 61702-2907.
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