Hazlett: Wanna-be inventors dream of possibilities

Dear readers, This column was originally published in 2006. Technology has come a long way in 20 years, but I am still waiting for black pants that repel dog hair...

My childhood friend Muriel Ann Glitzengelder had a look of horror on her face as we drove down the road, having left her house a mere five minutes earlier.

"Oh my gosh! Stop the car!" she gasped. "I left my curling iron on!"

Wow, I thought. She must really think it's going to start a fire to be in such a panic. I turned the car around and headed back to her house.

Is the curling iron near something flammable?

"No, I'm not worried about that; I'm worried my husband will find it."

Ah, yes, the dreaded safety lecture. I completely understand. In the 30 or so years I've been curling the ends of my hair, I have left my curling iron turned on while unattended only once. And of course, my husband came upon it, smoldering away on the bathroom counter. Now, he's always checking to see if I remember to unplug it.

"You know, wouldn't it be great if someone invented a curling iron that turned itself off?" Muriel Ann said.

It sure would. I have a clothes iron that turns off automatically when it isn't moved for five minutes. Why can't curling irons be as smart?

Secretly, Muriel Ann is an inventor at heart. She's always coming up with ideas that could make her a million dollars if she could just sell her dreams to an entrepreneur or build gadgets in her garage. Not only would the world be a safer place with Muriel Ann's ideas, but there would be fewer arguments in bathrooms and marital bliss would bloom all across America.

We began to compile a list of practical items that the modern world needs, and tried to limit our ideas to truly possible products, not unrealistic, beyond human comprehension products like, say, cellulite cream that really works.

So, here is Susan and Muriel Ann's list of "We'll make a million dollars when we invent..."

An alarm clock that wakes only the person who set it.

Microwave popcorn that really, truly pops all the kernels without burning.

A washing machine that alerts you that the pants you just threw in the drum still have Kleenex in the pocket.

A bread wrapper that keeps bread from molding.

Clothing that repels dog hair.

Comfortable stiletto heels.

Cellphones that detect when you're in church or a movie theater and silence their own ringers when you forget.

Envelopes that prevent paper cuts.

A lawn mower that automatically stops before it grinds up dog toys left in the yard.

Lipstick that doesn't stick to coffee cups or drinking glasses and leave that noticeable red smear on the rim.

A microwave that automatically shuts off when it senses the contents inside are about to explode.

Masking tape that pulls off the roll in a complete piece and doesn't rip into narrow shreds.

Computer screens that resist fingerprint smudges.

A robotic snow-blower that operates like a Roomba for your driveway.

An alarm that goes off when someone is about to leave the bathroom without replacing an empty toilet paper roll.

A robotic assistant who can tell where you put that missing item you've been searching for, and also why you came into the room in the first place.

Smoke detectors that identify themselves as the source of the low-battery beeping noise so you don't have to wander all over the house trying to find the elusive beep.

Of course, I realize some of these products may already be on the market. I may not be as informed on the latest gizmos as I should be. So, I'll add one more item to my list of "if only we had..."

A buzzer that lets me know when I'm out of touch.

Buzzz! Ouch.

Contact Susan Hazlett at or write to her in care of The Pantagraph, 205 N. Main St., Bloomington, IL 61702-2907.

Hazlett: Wanna-be inventors dream of possibilities

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