Miss Manners: An uninvited vegan snooped in my refrigerator and insulted me
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I the one who is in the wrong here? When I invited friends to dinner recently, I was shamed and criticized about what I was serving.
One of my friends invited another guest to join us, and it turns out he is a very strict vegan. I wasn't even aware that he was coming.
Prior to dinner, this fussy/picky guest realized that I was serving chicken with orange sauce and honey. He then opened my refrigerator and said, "I see ricotta, buttermilk, cottage cheese, milk, mozzarella, half-and-half, butter and heavy cream!" Then he slammed the door shut and remarked, "Someone needs to teach you how to shop more humanely!"
What's wrong with me and my shopping? Or should I cultivate new friends?
GENTLE READER: Other than your having a clear affinity for dairy products, Miss Manners sees nothing wrong with your shopping.
But there is something terribly wrong with a friend who brings an uninvited guest, especially one who openly criticizes the host and the food. Guests can make their more extreme food preferences known, if asked — but that would require that the guest be asked to attend the dinner in the first place.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have a great relationship with our ex-son-in-law. He is coming to visit us with his girlfriend, whom we have met via video chat; we like her, too.
How do we introduce them to people? "This is our ex-son-in-law and his girlfriend"?
GENTLE READER: That might encourage uncomfortable follow-up questions for the girlfriend.
Miss Manners suggests instead that you introduce them by their names. After doing so, you may add, "Carter is like a member of our family, and we are so pleased to get to know Ellie."
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at the age where many of my friends' children are marrying. I am always delighted to be invited to celebrate with the happy couples, and pleased to give a wedding gift to start them out in life.
Alas, I very rarely receive an acknowledgment of my gifts. This seems to be accepted behavior.
What should I do when the invitation to give a gift for the impending baby arrives? My baser self would very much like to snarl that they have a lot of nerve sticking their hands out again, but I value my friendships with their parents.
So far, I have taken a deep breath, sent a gift and talked about them behind their backs — like decent people do.
Does Miss Manners have a suggestion for a polite way of indicating that, since they couldn't be bothered to acknowledge the first gift, subsequent gifts should not be solicited?
GENTLE READER: Decent people do not, as you said, admonish people directly. Nor do they go looking for trouble.
If the impending babies do indeed materialize, Miss Manners suggests you politely decline the invitation — both to attend any festivities and to provide a present.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
