The Saddest NFL Stats Of Week 3 - Bengals Lose With Zero Punts Or Turnovers, A Sad Hail Mary, Dallas' Dismal Distribution, And Much More

Welcome to the fall everyone. And not just to the 4/5ths of the Bears offensive line pictured above. Summer is officially over for everyone and all we have left to get us by is our shitty football teams. I do have some good news to report for many sad NFL fans out there. It's become quite apparent that the NFL doesn't make any sense and no one knows shit about fuck.

To channel my inner Ryen Russillo - Are you serious??

But hey! When big favorites lose, that means the shitty teams they played won. So - for many reading - your bum ass team skirted through somehow. And that makes things all the more sad for the rest of us whose team still failed when all the shittier teams pulled through. The wound cuts deep. The only thing left to do is pour some salt in it so you can feel a little more sorry for yourself. Which is what brings you to this blog once again.

Here are your sad NFL stats for Week 3.

Sad Stat #1 - The Chicago Bears Have Made Their Bid For NFL's Most Depressing Offense with an abysmal 14.7% second down success rate

There are some things that you don't need time to know for sure - Shane Waldron is a dog shit offensive coordinator. And Matt Eberflus doesn't know an absolute thing about what a good offensive should look like, let alone know how to hire a competent coordinator. The Bears are 10/68 on second down - by far last in the league as illustrated above. Things don't get much better on third down either - where they rank 22nd at 34%. Just pathetic. As a fan I can't imagine a more blood boiling offense to have to root for.

knock, knock...

Sad Stat #2 - The Browns are 31st in 1st down success rate, and 32nd on third down

The Browns should really be sad stat #2 every week. So fitting. And there's nothing like a good #2 routine. It's just unbelievable how bad they suck with Deshaun Watson. And for the record, the Browns are 24th in the league on 2nd down. Looking across downs 1-3, it does appear that the Browns have outdone Chicago overall in offensive ineptitude. The Bears best down of the three is third down, where they rank 22nd. So the Browns out bad Chicago by a pinch.

Don't forget to flush.

Sad Stat #3 - The Bears converted a Sad Hail Mary

Chicago's offense - not to be outdone - even found a way to fail while succeeding. Truly remarkable.

Introducing a new stat: Sad Hail Mary

Improper Noun.

Definition: A final play of a half in which a 40+ air yard pass is caught and somehow doesn't result in a touchdown

I didn't mention anything about 4th down conversion percentage and the Bears are 8/10 which is fourth best in the NFL. Well that is if you count the Sad Hail Mary. Which you absolutely have to. So at least we have that going for us. But there's nothing more psychologically damaging than watching a one of a hundred thing happen (catching a Hail Mary) only to find out a millisecond later that it's entirely meaningless. The flood of happy brain chemicals colliding with sad brain chemicals that immediately drown the happy ones is an unfortunate contrast on the same level as drinking a keg of Vodka Redbulls.

As a Bears fan, I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone. But it's especially ironic that it happens to a team which puts out chronically bad offenses year after year. You'd think the Sad Hail Mary would happen to better teams capable of completing such a pass. Just another unlucky fluke, I guess. And that's why I wasn't worried to run some code to find what team completed the last Sad Hail Mary in the NFL.

My computer: Chicago Bears, 2018

Low Blow stat #1 - Kevin White would go on to score zero career touchdowns

Sad Stat #4 - Miami is 1/13 on fourth down

One of just three teams after Sunday to attempt double digit fourth downs, the best I can say is that the Dolphins are at least trying. But say what you want about Tua - the difference between him and his backups under Mike McDaniel is the best offense in the league vs the 30th.

Sad Stat #5 - Jauan Jennings had 175 yards and 3 touchdowns in a loss

Alright, I'm going to be honest. I thought this would be more rare than it actually is, but there's 15 other receivers to notch 175/3 in a loss in NFL history including Jimmy Smith's 291/3 yards in 2000 and Gabe Davis's 201/4 in the Playoffs vs Kansas City.

Sad Stat #6 - The Colts have the best point differential in the AFC South at -3

This is not something you want to see as a Houston Texans fan. The Colts are BAD. Anthony Richardson is a spin of the slot machine every time he throws and the results are about on par. But that's where things are after the Texans got plastered by Sam Darnold. Just an unreal story the Vikings are. I can't even say I think they're frauds either. This isn't the 2022 team that was so fun to follow in the point differential department. They are just good.

Sad Stat #7 - The Cowboys tied an NFL record by completing passes to 12 different receivers and still lost

This is the 12th time 12 receivers have caught a pass in a game for a team. Usually this means good things as it's good to spread the ball around and working the offense. And as we learned just a couple sad stats ago, a dominating receiving performance doesn't mean your team is going to win the game. Turns out that is indeed a good sign as the other eleven teams went 8-3. But this dismal Dallas distribution makes it 8-4.

Things are looking tough in Dallas with Dak's new contract now preventing them from being anything more than they've been able to be with him up to this point - slightly better than average. A state of being that's actually worse than being the worst team who can dream dreams of #1 draft picks.

Sad Stat #8 - The Bengals punted zero times and had zero turnovers and still lost

Tough. This is like one of those logic questions that makes you think there's no way this can actually be. But it is. And sure, the Bengals did miss a field goal, but even if we retroactively count that they would have still lost. The only other record of something like this happening was in 2021 when the Eagles lost with zero punts and zero turnovers. Well, aside from a turnover on downs. Do I even need to tell you who they were playing?

The Chiefs really are just inevitable.

That's it for Week 3. Give me a follow below and tip me off on any sad stats you see this Sunday. I'll be traveling across the county to tailgaite in Baltimore for Ravens/Bills, so might need some leads as I crush some hungover lookups on the plane Monday Night.