To Madison therapist Martha Kauppi, love is love — and consensual non-monogamy is a workable option
Martha Kauppi thinks that all therapists, no matter the modality they use to treat their clients, should be well versed in all types of human relationships — even unconventional ones like polyamory — as well as physical intimacy.
After all, physical intimacy is a crucial part of the human condition, Kauppi said, as are all the ways we choose to love one another. Kauppi, originally from Midland, Michigan, practices in Madison as a marriage and family therapist, as well as an American Association of Sexuality Educators-certified sex therapist and supervisor of fellow therapists looking to gain that same certification.
Her days are mostly spent consulting with therapists from all over the world on how they can best help their clients with issues in physical intimacy and consensual nonmonogamous relationships — relationships that exist outside the convention of two people dating or marrying exclusively. Kauppi works with her own clients sometimes and even appears on podcasts, she said.
Kauppi works in a "multi-factorial" way, she said, seeing her clients as systems — products of their environment, upbringing and relationships. She teaches other therapists to see their clients that way, too.
"You as an individual don't exist in a vacuum," she said.
There's a gap, Kauppi said, in how well therapists are educated on intimacy and unconventional relationship structures.
Kauppi estimates she has worked with thousands of therapists. Some of them consult with Kauppi directly, and others take courses through Kauppi's online Institute for Relational Intimacy, which she founded in 2016. Even more read Kauppi's book "Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists and their Clients," published in 2021. Kauppi called her book a "self-help" manual for people in open relationships who can't find proper treatment.
This isn't Kauppi's first career. Or second.
She previously worked as a midwife, attending about 350 births in Washington and Madison, she said. Kauppi, who proudly identifies as queer, came to Madison in 1995 for its local rules preventing discrimination against the LGBTQ community, she said.
That year, Kauppi founded the Common Ground Center for Midwifery Studies, in which she developed a 600-hour midwifery training curriculum.
Kauppi was also a successful glass artist — some pieces adorn the walls of her office on First Street. She sold her work to galleries across the country and showcased her pieces at art fairs and exhibitions. Her pieces mainly involved glass blowing, torch working and kiln working, she said.
She received her undergraduate degree in studio art at Michigan State University in East Lansing in 1982, graduate degree at the Seattle Midwifery School in Washington in 1987 and her master's degree in marriage and family therapy at Edgewood College in Madison in 2012. During her time at Edgewood, Kauppi wrote her dissertation on the dynamics of polyamory.
Tell us briefly about your time as a midwife.
It was a miracle a minute. It was very beautiful and highly technical (work). It was being a therapist plus a lifeguard. I did gynecology for a while as a midwife. That's when I figured there was more of a need for sex therapy. The education we get about sexuality and sex is terrible.
What motivated you to become a sex therapist?
Most therapists don't even get one class in sex or sexuality at all. I decided I wanted to change the world, honestly.
What does being a sex therapist involve? How does it differ from traditional forms of therapy?
It's not that different. You as a therapist are also willing to talk about sex and you have something useful to say about it. Accurate information is really hard to come by. You can talk about desire issues. Any kind of distress about desire or sexual function. Sometimes it involves collaborating with medical professionals.
What are some of the biggest misconceptions people have about consensual nonmonogamy and/or open relationships?
The biggest misconception is that they don't work in the long run. That's just abundantly not true. There are myths that having multiple relationships is somehow highly disruptive to the first relationship — myths that my research debunked. It's a choice that you make or an identity that you hold. And it's not just for queer or young people. It's a very workable and viable relationship form. I think we have the kinds of misconceptions about CNM that you get with marginalized groups in general because there's not enough education. People haven't seen it. Then you just feel like it's not a thing.
How do you think the public's opinion about open relationships has evolved since you have become a practicing therapist?
In the last couple of years I have seen people talk more about open relationships and include it in the narrative a little more, which is great.
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