Why women should not be martyrs: Our Best Life

CLEVELAND, Ohio - No one gives medals for martyrdom.

Yet women – especially mothers – have been conditioned to put others' needs ahead of their own.

It's easy to blame the patriarchy. You could sum it up in one line from one speech by President Theodore Roosevelt in 1905 before the National Congress of Mothers : "Her very name stands for loving unselfishness and self-abnegation."

We may have inherited that kind of belittling poppycock. Now, we have the right to reject it.

So, why do so many women seem to get trapped in the cult of self-sacrifice?

"Sacrificing yourself as a person is still very much what's expected in this culture as a mother," Georgetown University women's studies lecturer Elizabeth Velez told HuffPost.

No one is going to force you to put yourself first once in a while. But if your own happiness isn't a priority, how can you expect it to be anyone else's?

Your job doesn't care that you're happy, only that you're productive. Your kids want you to be happy, but they value their own needs over yours. Your parents care, but they have their own challenges. Your spouse cares, but are they perceptive enough to understand what your happiness entails?

I'm not advocating for hedonism, or selfishness. I'm all for working hard, caring for volunteering to make the world a better place. But why not do what satisfies your soul, if you're not hurting anyone else?

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I'm not talking about "self-care."

That seems like marketing-speak for spending money on skin serums and spas and yoga classes. That's not my jam.

I prefer reading novels, swimming laps, DIYing home projects, writing, playing tennis, skiing and drinking wine on my front porch with my friends. I work out every day.

I make time for all these pleasures because they make me feel whole.

I'll happily include my kids, when possible, in my endeavors. I spent years on the bunny hill at Boston Mills, helping them learn how to ski, so we could share weekends. But I never spent my Saturday mornings at kids tumbling classes. Why should I, since my kids got all the gross motor play they needed at their child care center, and it didn't bring me joy?

This idea surfaced recently in a recent conversation, when I was told that I do whatever I want, regardless of others. (The comment was later amended to "you're really good at prioritizing yourself in a way that a lot of women aren't.")

Unfortunately, in our modern society, if moms prioritize their own desires, they're ripe for criticism.

As a mom, my goal is to raise healthy, self-sufficient human beings who contribute to the greater good and consider other people's perspectives. Catering to kids' every whim doesn't seem conducive to that goal. And burning yourself out doesn't create a joyful backdrop for their childhood.

Rather, teaching kids to contribute helps them understand that they matter.

"Learning to be a functioning member of the family sets (kids) up to thrive," Jennifer Breheny Wallace, author of "Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic — And What We Can Do About It ," told me in an interview last year.

For the last few decades, parenting has become more child-centered, emotionally absorbing and expensive, in what sociologist Sharon Hayes coined in 1996 "intensive mothering."

Yet a study at the University of Mary Washington found that intensive ways of parenting may lead to negative mental health outcomes for women . And if you feel depleted, you'll have less to give to your kids.

Martyrdom comes with its own "particular smugness," Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, a perinatal psychiatrist, writes in the New York Times. She is not a mother but says she's experienced her own savior complex.

"On one hand being a martyr is about experiencing pain and destroying yourself for the sake of others. On the other hand, it's about seeking glory, and paradoxically, your glory is in your smallness."

It doesn't have to be this way.

Obviously, mothers need to take care of their kids. So do fathers. Kids depend on us for their basic needs.

But kids can respect us as human beings with our own interests. So even if you spend your Sunday afternoons watching your kids' soccer games, you can still squeeze in an hour to paddleboard or have brunch with friends.

My friend takes a solo vacation every fall. She books a cute Airbnb, packs a bunch of books, picks out podcasts and takes herself on a road trip to relax.

She gets to do what she wants, when she wants. She gets a break from her busy working mom life, without having to manage anything but herself. Meanwhile, her husband and kids fare just fine at home.

This weekend, I'm leaving my family for a trip to Charlotte, to stay with a childhood friend. I tell her what I'd like to do – Listen to live music! Hike a mountain! Eat dinner on a patio with bistro lights! - and she makes it happen. She's like a fairy godmother.

You don't need a fairy godmother to give yourself a break, though. So, before the madness of the holiday season sets in and you work yourself into a tizzy creating magic for everyone else, please take a moment to prioritize yourself.

Do you feel comfortable prioritizing yourself? Respond directly to Laura below.

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