‘I hate lying to her’: US couples on voting against their partners’ candidates

In the 2024 election, women turned out for Kamala Harris, while men were instrumental in securing Donald Trump's win, according to early polling information. In some cases, those women and men were married to each other or otherwise romantically involved. In other relationships, it was the men who voted for Harris, while their female partners voted for Trump.

Here, Americans who voted differently from their partners shared with the Guardian how such partisan views have affected their relationship, what it was like to "cancel out" a loved one's vote, and why some kept their votes secret. Some requested to keep their identities anonymous to discuss personal matters.

'The only thing keeping me in this marriage is my teenagers' I'm voting for Harris, and I fight about it often with my husband. I'm disgusted with him for how he has changed from the man I married to supporting a candidate who is anti-everything in our personal lives. We have a trans child, a female child, a disabled child, mixed-race grandchildren, all of whom are hated by the Maga party. I've always been an independent feminist who bases beliefs on logic, facts and empathy. Living with a person who can't admit to being wrong when facts are presented and no longer supports independent women is its own sort of hell. The only thing keeping me in this marriage is my teenagers. Thankfully, they're juniors in high school, so I only have one and a half years to be stuck in it. Anonymous, caretaker, indie author and editor, 47, Illinois

'I hate lying to her, but it's for the best' I've been dating my girlfriend for 10 months. We met through a mutual friend at her church, and got along instantly. I love her to death. We celebrated Halloween and dressed up as ghosts.

I secretly voted for Kamala Harris . I told my girlfriend that I wasn't voting, and she doesn't doubt it. She once said that Trump is America's last hope, and that he is God's chosen candidate. It was horrifying. I was internally screaming "WTF". She has also said that the allegations against him are all lies; part of a "secret plot" to destroy him. But I wasn't ready to talk about it. I feel dishonest. I hate lying, but it's for the best. I'd hate to see her go insane over my vote, but I know she would. Not only that, but her father would disapprove of our relationship if he knew. He would disapprove of her just for dating me. I can't risk that, ever. Anonymous, computer science student, 22, Joplin, MO

'He calls me stupid' It has been hell since the moment Trump announced his candidacy. Hubby, who voted for Clinton and Obama (he says he now regrets doing that), is brainwashed Maga to the core and watches Fox incessantly. It was affecting my physical and emotional health. He uses abusive language, calls me stupid when I explain my main concerns are education, health, climate change, moral standards and so on. He is an old man who has felt disenfranchised and diminished by social change.

I met him in a club on a girls' night, and we've been married for 37 years. No children, but he has a daughter and two granddaughters from a previous marriage who I have a great relationship with. And we have a cat! The evil spewed by Trump has made our life bizarre. But at this point, I'm in it for the long haul. Anonymous, retired educator and scientist , Florida

'We will still have sex tonight' It is election night as I write this. I'm sitting in the nursery holding our five-month old baby while he naps. My conservative husband is downstairs with our six-year old, probably listening to live election coverage that leans far right in perspective. He asked me how I was feeling today and I said fine. I know when I'm on my deathbed, I will not be thinking about Donald Trump , I'll be thinking of my family. I'll be thinking of my husband who yes, voted for Trump not once but three times but is also smart (yes, very smart), and my favorite person in the world. Now that the poll results are pouring in, I feel upset that my husband can support a misogynistic, racist and manipulative candidate. I also heard my husband's concerns about another four years of a liberal leadership, and he is not wrong. He is just less right. And we will still have sex tonight. Susie, 39, from Colorado

'My wife expects Trump to stop funding mass slaughter' I voted for Jill Stein. Almost every Democrat we met voted for Jill Stein because she opposes what is happening in the Ukraine and Gaza (and the West Bank), especially Gaza. My wife voted for Donald Trump because she doesn't believe a word he actually says and she expects him to stop funding mass slaughter. We think similarly about politics, but my wife doesn't want the Democrats in power because they are warmongers, whereas I will not vote for anyone who endorses a genocide or an unjust war. Voting differently hasn't affected our relationship in the least. Anonymous, artist, 69, Tucson, Arizona

'I wrote in Jesus Christ, my husband voted Trump' I couldn't vote for Harris because she is pro-abortion, and strong on that. Although I am strongly pro-life, I do think laws need to be refined to protect women who are miscarrying and to protect the life of the mother. I could not vote for Trump because he is mentally ill and unstable. I think he has turned the immigration issue into racism. My biggest issues are to protect and support Israel, to find a humane way to screen immigrants and help true asylum seekers, while protecting our country from real criminals, not illegals. So I wrote in Jesus Christ. My husband voted Trump. We can agree to disagree. We both have freedom to vote our conscience. Anonymous, retired RN and homeschool teacher, 58, Kingston, Tennessee

'Our love is more important than our disagreements' My wife and I have been together since 2019, married in 2022. I voted for Harris, she didn't. It's been a strain on our relationship and we have developed policies – such as when it gets too heated, either of us can say "peace out" – and we are working on listening thoroughly to each other. The election won't affect our relationship. We've agreed on that! Our love is more important than our disagreements. Ross R Mason, 62, vice-president at EarthX Media Inc, Dallas, Texas

'I don't feel like my best self when I have to defend my values to my spouse' I really don't understand how my husband can like Trump. We used to make fun of him when he was on The Apprentice. He is a smart man, and he believes these buffoons. I voted for Harris. I support women's reproductive rights, and that was one of the most important issues for me. I also feel that she is sane and not divisive. My husband and I agreed when Harris got on the ticket that we would not discuss politics. If we do, it sours our relationship. It has worked for the most part. I don't feel like my best self when I have to defend my values to my spouse. Anonymous, librarian, 47, from Oregon

'I love his determination to do his best' About 27 years ago, I met my husband on a blind date. Two years later, we married. He voted for Trump, I voted for Harris. It's not a secret; my husband knows what's important to me. I'm extremely aggravated by his preference for Fox News, which I see as a successful propaganda machine. However, while I don't care for his political perspectives and practices, I love his intellectual capacity, his sense of humor and his determination to do his best. Anonymous, retired educator, 78, from Tucson, Arizona

'He chose a misogynistic racist over me' We've been married 40 too many years and basically canceled each other's votes. I've been involved in politics since my 20s and consider myself as a liberal. There have been many arguments since my husband started to espouse Trump gaslighting. I hate the fact that he would choose a misogynistic racist over me, a woman. Abortion and immigration issues mattered to me this election. Most of our relatives came to the US as illegals and now this immigration rhetoric comes up? We both agreed not to discuss politics, though. We'll keep on keeping on. Rebeca Guevara, 76, retired nurse from Laredo, Texas

'This makes me question the relationship' My partner knows who I voted for, but we just don't talk about politics. I'd love to be able to have a discussion with him about the issues, but he usually changes the subject. While I consider myself a moderate (I'd vote for someone like Mitt Romney if he was the Republican candidate), he gets most of his political insights from Fox News. He sees Trump as strong and believes that he'd be worse off financially if Harris had won (he and I are both in a good position financially, but we're not nearly rich enough to be better off under Trump).

We met online almost two years ago and are in a committed relationship, but we both have kids from previous marriages and are not planning to live together anytime soon. The fact we can't even have a discussion about the election makes me question the relationship. Anonymous, 51, Columbus, Ohio, with a management position in engineering

Responses have been edited for clarity.

Read more of the Guardian's 2024 US election coverage