San Diego Moms: How to Explain Death, Grief to Children
Part of the joys of parenthood include seeing your children experience their many firsts — first steps, first birthdays, first days of school and so forth. But, the "firsts" aren't always joyful. The first time your child loses a loved one is a difficult and heartbreaking life lesson.
I spoke to KaiLi McGrath, a licensed master social worker with Thriveworks Counseling who specializes in grief/loss, life transitions, coping skills and family counseling, about how to explain death and grief to a child. McGrath is also a mother to two children.
How do you explain death to your child?
Explaining death to your child can be a daunting task. Start by sharing the news of the death with your child as soon as you can — this way they find out from you and not other family members in passing. Next, provide clear, honest explanations and explain the finality of death. Do not go into unnecessary details, and do not use euphemisms. Address that death does happen to all things and people, and it cannot be changed. But also reassure your child that they — and you — are safe.
How do you explain grief?
To explain grief to a child, start by addressing and normalizing their feelings and assure them of their safety and care. Sometimes, kids may feel they are to "blame" in these circumstances. If that's the case, validate that they are not to blame. Start by sharing your own grief experience — name your feelings and experiences and include them in these conversations when you are able. Talk to your child about what they feel, know, and think about the death, answer their questions, and explain that they may grieve intermittently. Grief is not a linear process. Provide facts about funerals or other next steps, then give them a choice in what they will attend.
How should you prepare for these discussions?
The best way to prepare is to understand your own grief response. Think back to your grief experiences as a child, teen, and/or adult. Remember that if a child is old enough to attach and love, they are old enough to grieve. Be ready to answer questions. Make sure you are connecting with your own support system throughout this process, as well.
Can you give me specific examples of how to explain by age?
Remember that you know your child best — their development and life experiences will impact how you talk with them. Not all 4-year-olds will require the same explanations or support. However, the same tips will apply to all ages — clear language, only necessary details, no euphemisms, validate feelings, and provide information on what they can expect moving forward. Don't ever promise that someone won't die, but you can reassure them you plan to live for a very, very long time.
What are some signs that your child may need more support coping with grief?
Keep an eye out for prolonged disruptions to daily functioning. This looks like disturbances in their regular patterns (eating, sleeping), changes in behaviors (irritability, panic, focus), physical symptoms (headaches, stomachaches), and/or difficulty at school. Something else to keep in mind is the type of death. If it was a complicated loss, it may be helpful to seek outside support.
How can you find the support?
Sometimes, you and your child may need outside support to cope with your grief, and that's OK! Start by contacting a therapist in your area, checking for organizations that support grieving children and families, or reaching out to your child's school counselor or social worker for more resources. Talking to others who are experiencing or who have experienced what you're going through can be helpful. A therapist can also help you learn the skills and techniques to equip yourself to have these tough conversations with your child.
I have relied on using what my child is already being exposed to. My daughter started talking about death early because just about every princess movie begins with a significant death. It was helpful to start with discussions that were not tied to her real life. I answer her questions honestly, age appropriately, and leave space for her to ask questions.
