Dumping Them Out: Sorry I Disappeared

Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. I apologize for the brief hiatus from this very important series of Boob GIF's that are far worse quality and less revealing than the millions of photos & videos that everybody with an internet connection has free access to at all times + paragraphs of words that 90% of people who click this blog will never bother to read.

I guess I should probably give an explanation as to why Dumping Them Out disappeared, and why I personally didn't work a lick for the entire month of November. I was going to write a blog about it that wasn't buried in between a bunch of tits. But in the end, I fucking hate talking about myself. I always feel very stupid and arrogant to assume that people want to know about my personal life. To title a blog something like, "ATTN WORLD: This is Why THE JOHN RICH Was Not Working For a Few Weeks"... like relax dude you're not that important. A majority of people who read this probably have no clue who I am. And I've never had that gene in me where when I go to a new restaurant and eat a delicious meal, or my dog does something cute, I immediately think, "The people must hear about what I've done." It would probably help my career if I did. But whatever. I said I would give an explanation, so I figured I'd put it in a blog where if people are interested, they'll be able to read it. And if they're not, they'll be able to see boobs. If you're a straight woman who doesn't know me and is reading this, I got nothing for ya.

Unfortunately it's not a super interesting story. I'm not going to go into great detail. But basically I got real depressed and started drinking way to much. I was in a shitty place mentally. I basically went on a 3 month bender. I started using alcohol to work, to write, to be more comfortable in social situations. Pretty much for everything. That's how you end up eating dog shit on camera as a bit.

Eventually, people started noticing. It was super fucking embarrassing. I got real depressed about it. It sucked. Luckily for me, when everybody had inevitably noticed, instead of firing me like they easily could have, Dave, Gaz, and Big Cat were all extremely encouraging, and didn't even think twice about telling me to take a month off work and get my shit together. I'll never feel like I deserved that. It's not lost on me how extremely lucky I am. I know most people would never get that benefit of the doubt in a work situation. But I will be eternally grateful they decided to give me another chance, and I owe to them (and myself) to do the most with it.

I can't really pinpoint why I started feeling so depressed all of the sudden. I don't even know what qualifies as "depression" if we're being honest. Obviously it wasn't anybody else fault but mine. It's certainly nothing I feel like I deserve sympathy for. I'm not blaming it on the "pressure of Barstool" or anything like that. Everybody has pressure at work and they don't all make the decision to get drunk about it. I've had problems with drugs and alcohol on and off my whole life. It's something that if I'm not constantly on top of, and if I'm not doing the things I need to do to keep myself in a good space mentally, that I will inevitably fall back into. It's something I have to grow the fuck up and take care of, or else I'll lose everything I've worked for. Not just at work, but in life.

But it's been 46 days since I've had a drink. I'm going to AA every day. I have a great therapist. I don't like to think about whether or not I'll never drink again in my life. There's no point in dwelling on that. But right now things are way better when I don't drink. So I'm just going to keep taking things one day at a time, and I'm going to keep doing exactly what I've been doing every day since I quit (AA, gym, therapy, etc.), because that seems to be working. Here are some more boobs.

So that's about it. Sorry I disappeared for a month. I will say, one thing pertaining to Barstool that I learned from my time away, which has proved to be extremely helpful for me mentally. Is that when I wasn't blogging or doing the Rundown for an entire month... shockingly... barely anybody seemed to notice. Everything stayed perfectly fine. In fact, it meant I wasn't in the office for the entire Barstool Tate vs New York thing. If you're ever going to go on a bender that results in you missing work for a month, I recommend doing it the week someone comes to the your office and rips the entire place to shreds and the whole internet calls for the place to be shut down entirely. Brilliant timing by me.

But again, I'd never blame me going down a dark path on anything Barstool related. However, I had definitely put this job on a pedestal. A job at Barstool was this thing I had always wanted, and I was constantly terrified of losing it. I was constantly beating myself up for not doing more with my platform. Constantly comparing myself to people who are having more success. I'd find myself in this weird mental loop of feeling overwhelmed by the job, then realizing how much less I was doing compared to people like Big Cat. Or even Klemmer who's always putting out new stuff and trying new things. Then I'd feel so pathetic because I was being overwhelmed by so little. I was never present with friends and family away from work. Not because I was constantly working, but because I was always in my head about how I should be working. All while I'd just sit there in my own head getting nothing accomplished whatsoever. If that makes any sense. It was very fucking stupid. Taking a step away definitely helped me re-prioritize my life a bit.

In the end, I love working here. I love blogging. That's what I'm going to keep doing. As of now, I'm not yet back producing the Rundown. Jury is still out on that. But regardless, if at the end of my contract next summer what I'm doing is not enough and I don't get renewed, it's going to be fine. Life will go on. All that corny shit. No job is worth neglecting your friends and family, or your general well-being. No job is worth ruining your life over. I now realize it does sound like I'm sort of blaming my bender on work. But it's not work. It's the fucked up way I was looking at it. And I could have slipped up for a million different reasons. A lot of people at Barstool have mental health shit they have to deal with. It's your responsibility to deal with it like a grown up.

I'm insanely lucky and grateful to have this opportunity. I'm hoping now that I'm a little more clear-minded, and thinking about things in a more healthy way. And that I'm not secretly (or non-secretly) wasted all the time, I'll end up being better at it too. Or maybe not. From what I can tell "mental stability" isn't necessarily a sought after trait at Barstool.